As the knife digs deep

It's amazing how many different thoughts and feelings can go through your head in quite literally a single instant. Thoughts like:
Uh-oh!
Wow, this is going to be bad.
That feels funny.
Now what am I going to do?
This is a stupid way to get hurt.

I know this is random, it's just that so many people don't remember the instant traumatic things happen to them. They simply haven't trained their minds to function as something shocking is happening. Adrenaline, fear, and shock all cloud the mind's ability to react and remember. I know it sounds very silly to anyone who hasn't taken martial arts, but there's something to the idea of training yourself to watch a fist coming at your face and not react blindly, but choose an action to counter what's coming. And it's funny to look back and realize just how much your mind can accomplish while a blade is cutting you, even if it's only to watch and make commentary.

The hand behind this pen relives a failure everyday

It never ceases to amaze me how when people need help, they invariably run straight to the people who cannot help them. When people reveal confidences, they will unfailingly tell them to those who will treat them as news the public should know. Beware, friend, for those who seem most eager to help can often be the same who have not and will never have your best interests in mind.

And yet therein lies a problem: how can I warn you off of some people and expect you to turn right around and trust me? What do I offer that others do not? What assurance can I give you that I will not dissapoint where others will? How have I cornered the market on trustworthiness?

And see, that's part of my problem. I love to paint with a broad brush. A couple of things have aggravated me today, and to keep not-so-innocent parties anonymous, I will brand all other people besides myself as untrustworthy, when that is anything but true. I can think of several people who will think this blog is about them. Rest assured, it probably is not; and if it were, I probably wouldn't tell you, so don't ask. There are those who do have your best interests in mind, but realize that those best interests may not be what you want. And maybe that's the point behind all of this. If you surround yourself with those who will only validate and reinforce what you already feel, what do you do if you are wrong? "Yes men," while being great for your ego, are horrible for your health. Surround yourself, instead, with those who will challenge you to be what you can be - which may be different from what you want to be.

Why do I have a monopoly on healthy introspection? I didn't ask for it, it's just that no one else is buying.

Unbelievable

For once, I am off on election day. I can't remember ever being off on this day. So, I got to get my voting done in the middle of the day, not early in the morning like I usually do.

Some observations:

I liked voting in the governor's race today. The choice is in between a candidate I like and one I abhor. I have met both men. One struck me as honest if naive and the other as an out-and-out liar who would do literally anything to continue in power. It is interesting that neither is a "northern" Georgia politician. Both are from farming areas. And yet the choice to me was so clear as to be anti-climactic. I wonder if you know who I voted for? It was also aggravating to see a truck at the polling place conviently placed just outside of 150 feet (we asked) that was plastered with bumper stickers advocating the one candidate in the country I would like to see defeated above all others at the moment. Just left there for others to see. How do I know this, you ask? Because the man who owned it was dropped off by someone else to pick it up. Wearing his candidate's t-shirt. I hope they made him cover that up before he voted.

Now to what really made me mad. I came home, watched (and slept to) Cars, and then turned on some election day coverage. This has got to be good right? Well, let's just say that I only watched 10 minutes. I'll probably end up watching more later, but just to continue getting pissed off. Hey, I'm a sucker for punishment.

First, I turned on CNN. Just sorta wanted to see what the mood was. Pure euphoria reigned! Did you know that the Democrats are riding a tide of anti-Bush and anti-Iraq war sentiment to a sure-fire majority in Congress? I sure didn't. It's over. A foregone conclusion.

So, intrigued, I turned to Fox News. Just wanted to see what their mood might be. Did you know that Republicans are so energized by Kerry's comments and Democrat attacks that they are more likely to go to the polls than Democrats? It's looking like the Republicans will stay in power. Constancy is assured.

Two seperate news agencies, two seperate outlooks, same mood. Anyone who says there isn't bias on "their" news channel hasn't looked closely enough. However, maybe it was inevitable, unavoidable. People will gravitate towards those who validate their own opinions and worldview. We choose our news based on what we like (it is, after all, entertainment, right?). Those who rail against CNN for being a puppet of Clinton and Fox for being a puppet of Bush are just adding channels to their list of things and people they hate for being associated with the enemy (or at least an organization or person they hate). Hey, I did it at the beginning of this blog! I have always liked print news better anyway. There's so much less speculation in it. Don't get me wrong, I like 24-hour news, it's just so rarely accurate with breaking news.

So, one news outlet will be able to say at the end of the day that they were right all along, when all they did was preach to their choir. Also, undoubtedly, the other one will point to certain segments they ran during the day to prove how even-handed they were with their coverage. And so progresses the de-education of America.

Is the Internet exercise?

Funny thing happened today. There is supposedly a group of people who get together to play soccer every Sunday evening. I didn't have church tonight, so I thought I'd go play. Unfortunately, I was the only one there! Story of my life. Pretty funny, though.

I am going to really try to start getting back into shape. I've been watching Final Fu on MTV2, and it's really got me itching to get back into martial arts. The problem is, I'm not sure I want to take at a school. I wish I had the equipment to practice myself, because I know what I want out of myself and how to get it - at the moment I don't need outside instruction. I'm not saying that I'll never go back to a martial arts school or that I'm better than any instructor; just that I don't need one now. My martial arts journey doesn't require others at the moment. So anyway, I think I'm going running tomorrow morning, just to do something for exercise. I hate running; I don't think I'm very good at it.

I'm trying to exercise again because I think my body is starting to rebel on me. I have several nagging injuries that just won't seem to go away. One of them is my left knee; a ligament on the outside just started hurting for no apparent reason about 3 months ago. It doesn't hurt bad enough that I can't do things, it's just bad enough that I know it's not full strength. Anytime I try to make my knee do a lateral movement it hurts. I was showing someone a snap sidekick the other day and it really hurt. But I have always thought that physical activity would heal many ails. When I have trouble sleeping or small injuries, I always believe that exercise will cure me. Weird, I know, but I really think the body has amazing abilities when taken care of, and I haven't been taking care of mine. Of course, all this could just be because I am getting old.

The Lord has been mindful of me...

...He blesses and blesses again. Just thought I would offer up some praise. I have spent plenty of my blog time complaining and it's time to flip the coin. I received 2 inspections at my store in the last week, my corporate inspection and my health inspection. Both caught me completely by surprise. The corporate inspection is to tell how good we are at being a Zaxby's. They score us on our food, ticket times, how clean we are, and how safe we are. We were short on employees that day and were even training a brand new one. The inspector still told me that he had to dig to find things so he wouldn't have to give us a 100! Our score ended up being a 98, which is the highest score the owner can even remember! Then we got our health inspection (again, completely by surprise), and scored a 97! The only things we were counted off for had absolutely nothing to do with food. I have been so happy and proud that I could burst. And then it struck me. I have worked very hard to make our resaurant safe, clean, and enjoyable. To some extent, I have succeeded, but it is not due to my own efforts. The Lord has looked down upon His servant with kindness in His heart. He has blessed the work of my hands, that I may prosper. I can work as hard as I want or am able, but if God is not willing that it should prosper or that I should succeed, I am striving against the wind. It is very humbling to see the ways that God has provided for me and my family. I just wanted to share with everyone where my joy comes from!

activity

Me being the completely random individual that I am, I find this quite funny. The fact that I am completely sore. I am getting old fast. Matt, Greg, and I went to hit some golf balls yesterday. Not "play golf," because I could quite possibly shoot 300. Greg's pretty good, so I wanted some pointers. Boy, that is a game that is impossible to do well in and look cool. You've got to stick your butt out way to far to look cool. I don't know how Tiger Woods does it. Anyway, I had a blast before I went to work and had literally the worst shift I have had in 6 months at least. It was rough, folks. But I'm sorta all right with that. I know why it was rough, and I knew it would end eventually, so we just kept plugging away. And it wasn't the worst I've ever had, so that was good. But today I'm sore as anything. My whole left side is killing me. And I wonder what happened. When I took Tae Kwon Do, I was doing it 4-6 times a week. I was in great shape. How can I be skinny AND out of shape? I thought that wasn't allowed! I've got to start doing something, but I don't know what. I hate running up and down roads. It just bores me. I don't mind doing crunches and push-ups, but I don't like only being able to do a few to start off with. And when I do those exercises that remind me of martial arts, I want to start doing martial arts again. I have no outlet for that desire. If you didn't know, I am a passionate martial artist. It's probably one of the few things in my life I have ever been actually very good at. I was once the national champion red belt for my age group in both forms and sparring. By the way, I'm not naturally athletic, so it took a LOT of work to become good. I'm not trying to brag (I really hope I'm not), I just enjoy that so much. I felt like I could express myself really well that way. So anyway, I don't have an outlet for that desire now. I don't really have the time to join a class, because of my crazy work schedule. My friends that I like to work out with have different schedules than me. And I don't want to go do it in my backyard because I don't like to practice in front of people who will either think I'm showing off or think that I'm stupid (and probably both). I live in a quadraplex, so we share our backyard with other people, and we live on the top floor so I can't jump around and stuff. I really think that once I start doing some physical activity that I will start sleeping better, as well. The verse that keeps popping up in my head is "Bodily exercise profits little." But all I can think of is that maybe it would help me clear my head some and help me start building new, better habits, like regular Bible study and prayer. I've got to start somewhere, so I guess I'm reaching out for anything. I'd like to join this gym right down the street from work, but I don't have the money right now. Besides, I'd like to give Kellie the chance to first, if she'd like to. Do you see what I meant in my last blog? I can't write when I'm okay; it screws me up. All of this just came out in a random jumble; maybe emotion helps me focus.

I thought I'd lost myself - or maybe I did just now

Ahhh, there I am. Back where I belong - just slightly depressed. For a while, I thought I was going to be able to be happier and actually be a little more chipper. But that was just a dream. What was I thinking? I should have known better. It's funny, I really want to be a happy person, and yet when I'm a little depressed, I feel more like myself. Maybe it's because when I'm happy, there's so many things I don't care about. I don't care what people think about me, I don't care whether my jokes are funny, I don't think about whether I have real friends or just people I know who tolerate me. When I'm down, I feel like I see the world a little more realistically. My rose-colored glasses come off. The ironic thing is, I probably just trade them in for crap-colored ones. I posted in a blog that I can be my worst critic - attacking myself over things that make no difference whatsoever. But it's also funny how I can take the smallest glance, the slightest change in tone, the tiniest gesture as a sign that the people I'm around really wished I wasn't even there. A couple of thoughts that are careening through my head:

1. Aren't I in charge? Then why doesn't it feel like it sometimes?

2. Why don't I feel like I matter to people? Why does that matter?

3. Why can't I seem to get my walk going?

4. WHERE AM I GOING?

Question 1: I'm not talking about "in charge" as in in control of my life, I try to leave that up to God. I'm talking about why do I feel like things I should be in control of keep getting wrenched out of my hands? I feel like I keep getting made a fool out of. I try to be nice, I'm not being nice enough. God forbid that I be fair; it might as well be cruel and unusual punishment.

Queston 2: Why is it such a big deal to me that I be important to other people? Not in the "famous" way, just in the "someone I care about" way. It really feels wierd when it's at church. A question was asked not to long ago: what are your gifts and do you feel they are being used by the church? My answer to the second part was "no." I feel like some of my gifts are being used, but I used to feel like I was needed in my church; now I just feel like someone they've forgotten about. Maybe it's because at one time I had a very definite (if sorta vague) role - now I don't.

Question 3: For someone who grew up reading the Bible everyday, it sure has been a while since I've cracked it open. What is my problem? It's like working out; I simply can't seem to get started and stay started. It used to be a routine, how did it change? The funny thing is, I can still quote a lot of Scripture and carry on a pretty good discussion; I remembered what I would consider a minute detail from a chapter in the Bible and looked it up real quick and was able to add to the discussion in class tonight. A couple of times lately I've had discussions with friends about what the Bible says about certain things. I feel certain that I am right and that I used God's Word correctly then, but boy, did I feel fake doing it. "Physician, heal yourself!" keeps coming up in my mind. I've got all sorts of advice for people from the Bible. I can't seem to dig myself out of a rut.

Question 4: I think I am too scared to take a risk. Maybe because I'm scared it won't be a leap of faith, it'll be a leap of stupidity. Like God will say, "Boy, that was dumb. Maybe he won't make this mistake again." and let me fall. I can't do that, I've got a wife and child to support. When does trying to make sure they have food, clothing, and shelter become stifling to what God may have in store for us? Am I trying to do too much? There are so many things I wish I could do with my life; did I miss my chance? If opportunity knocks once, why am I looking for him 10 years later? Sometimes I feel like the pull on my heart to follow my dreams is God trying to tell me something. Sometimes I feel like it's just a dream that couldn't come true if I tried; why quit a job that pays the bills and live on a prayer? Am I going to be one of those people who always says, "I could have been..."? Have I wasted whatever potential I once possessed? Or that possessed me? It's funny; every opportunity seems just barely out of my reach. Is that the true sign of a failure?

Another funny thought that you won't laugh at: I think enthusiasm is my greatest strength and liability at the same time. No one can be more enthusiastic about some things, which means no one can turn people off about those things quicker than I. You do know that you can't make people be enthusiastic, you can only hope they catch the fever. Goodness, I can whine for a long time.