Helpless

I think the worst feeling in the world, at least for me, is helplessness. That sudden realization that there is nothing you can do in a situation. I was reading about Mike Coolbaugh, the first-base coach who was killed by a foul-ball line-drive a couple of months ago. Sports Illustrated had an excellently written article about the effects his death had on his family, team, and the young man who hit the ball.

And then they re-told the moment. I was already emotional over the story, but the description of his state when they reached him really tears me up. Because (having some First Aid training and such) I realized that there would have been absolutely nothing I could have done except what one person did: sit there and cry "Don't leave, Mike!" It is a tragic story, and a terrible feeling.

Maybe that's why I like to attack things. I hate even the feeling of helplessness, and the reality of it is overwhelming to me. At work, that is what makes me want to quit - when I feel helpless about a situation. But I think that because that is something that I fear, I also tend to see it when it is not there.

The only good result of helpless feelings is the thought "All I have now is God." And I think God is saying "DUH! That's all you should need!" Every time I hear that phrase (or say it myself) I think of how ridiculous it is that the very last place we turn, our last resort, is God. Shouldn't He be our first resort? Shouldn't we turn to Him before it becomes hopeless? Isn't He much more capable anyway? That's not such a helpless feeling.

blech

Why do I feel sometimes that my spiritual gift is dealing with dissappointment?

Catalyst

Well, I got back from the Catalyst Conference 2007 late Friday night. It was an amazing experience. Last year was a brand-new experience for me, so it was all surprising. This year I expected Andy Stanley to be good (duh!), but really didn't know who else would challenge me. Well, in between Patrick Lencioni (funny, but lost his place a lot!), Francis Chan, Rick Warren, Craig Groeschel, and Andy Stanley again, it was better than last year!

There seemed to be a lot of speakers talking about what the church is DOING now. We seem to work so hard on making sure that our church is growing, our church is getting a new building, our contribution is coming in, our people have things to do. Maybe the focus should be (at least 50% of the time) outward. There are so many problems in the world: diseases, massive poverty, hunger, the sex trade, and so many more. We can all chip in. There are so many good charities and organizations that we can give to that will help with all these problems.

But there are also so many people that need our help right around us. While poverty in the U.S. is nowhere near as dire as it is in Third World countries, it still affects so many. The challenge for me is not only to help those around the world, but also to be reaching out to those around me who need help. For me, that should be easy - there are neighbors of mine who are very unfortunate. It's not as easy to help people face-to-face as it is to give to a charity, but it is just as important. If not more so.

Hmmmm...instead of creating a YouTube account and making videos, I think I'll try this route to see if anyone is listening. Maybe I can keep up with this blog - it may just be a vent piece, though. Enjoy.

As the knife digs deep

It's amazing how many different thoughts and feelings can go through your head in quite literally a single instant. Thoughts like:
Uh-oh!
Wow, this is going to be bad.
That feels funny.
Now what am I going to do?
This is a stupid way to get hurt.

I know this is random, it's just that so many people don't remember the instant traumatic things happen to them. They simply haven't trained their minds to function as something shocking is happening. Adrenaline, fear, and shock all cloud the mind's ability to react and remember. I know it sounds very silly to anyone who hasn't taken martial arts, but there's something to the idea of training yourself to watch a fist coming at your face and not react blindly, but choose an action to counter what's coming. And it's funny to look back and realize just how much your mind can accomplish while a blade is cutting you, even if it's only to watch and make commentary.

The hand behind this pen relives a failure everyday

It never ceases to amaze me how when people need help, they invariably run straight to the people who cannot help them. When people reveal confidences, they will unfailingly tell them to those who will treat them as news the public should know. Beware, friend, for those who seem most eager to help can often be the same who have not and will never have your best interests in mind.

And yet therein lies a problem: how can I warn you off of some people and expect you to turn right around and trust me? What do I offer that others do not? What assurance can I give you that I will not dissapoint where others will? How have I cornered the market on trustworthiness?

And see, that's part of my problem. I love to paint with a broad brush. A couple of things have aggravated me today, and to keep not-so-innocent parties anonymous, I will brand all other people besides myself as untrustworthy, when that is anything but true. I can think of several people who will think this blog is about them. Rest assured, it probably is not; and if it were, I probably wouldn't tell you, so don't ask. There are those who do have your best interests in mind, but realize that those best interests may not be what you want. And maybe that's the point behind all of this. If you surround yourself with those who will only validate and reinforce what you already feel, what do you do if you are wrong? "Yes men," while being great for your ego, are horrible for your health. Surround yourself, instead, with those who will challenge you to be what you can be - which may be different from what you want to be.

Why do I have a monopoly on healthy introspection? I didn't ask for it, it's just that no one else is buying.