I thought I'd lost myself - or maybe I did just now

Ahhh, there I am. Back where I belong - just slightly depressed. For a while, I thought I was going to be able to be happier and actually be a little more chipper. But that was just a dream. What was I thinking? I should have known better. It's funny, I really want to be a happy person, and yet when I'm a little depressed, I feel more like myself. Maybe it's because when I'm happy, there's so many things I don't care about. I don't care what people think about me, I don't care whether my jokes are funny, I don't think about whether I have real friends or just people I know who tolerate me. When I'm down, I feel like I see the world a little more realistically. My rose-colored glasses come off. The ironic thing is, I probably just trade them in for crap-colored ones. I posted in a blog that I can be my worst critic - attacking myself over things that make no difference whatsoever. But it's also funny how I can take the smallest glance, the slightest change in tone, the tiniest gesture as a sign that the people I'm around really wished I wasn't even there. A couple of thoughts that are careening through my head:

1. Aren't I in charge? Then why doesn't it feel like it sometimes?

2. Why don't I feel like I matter to people? Why does that matter?

3. Why can't I seem to get my walk going?

4. WHERE AM I GOING?

Question 1: I'm not talking about "in charge" as in in control of my life, I try to leave that up to God. I'm talking about why do I feel like things I should be in control of keep getting wrenched out of my hands? I feel like I keep getting made a fool out of. I try to be nice, I'm not being nice enough. God forbid that I be fair; it might as well be cruel and unusual punishment.

Queston 2: Why is it such a big deal to me that I be important to other people? Not in the "famous" way, just in the "someone I care about" way. It really feels wierd when it's at church. A question was asked not to long ago: what are your gifts and do you feel they are being used by the church? My answer to the second part was "no." I feel like some of my gifts are being used, but I used to feel like I was needed in my church; now I just feel like someone they've forgotten about. Maybe it's because at one time I had a very definite (if sorta vague) role - now I don't.

Question 3: For someone who grew up reading the Bible everyday, it sure has been a while since I've cracked it open. What is my problem? It's like working out; I simply can't seem to get started and stay started. It used to be a routine, how did it change? The funny thing is, I can still quote a lot of Scripture and carry on a pretty good discussion; I remembered what I would consider a minute detail from a chapter in the Bible and looked it up real quick and was able to add to the discussion in class tonight. A couple of times lately I've had discussions with friends about what the Bible says about certain things. I feel certain that I am right and that I used God's Word correctly then, but boy, did I feel fake doing it. "Physician, heal yourself!" keeps coming up in my mind. I've got all sorts of advice for people from the Bible. I can't seem to dig myself out of a rut.

Question 4: I think I am too scared to take a risk. Maybe because I'm scared it won't be a leap of faith, it'll be a leap of stupidity. Like God will say, "Boy, that was dumb. Maybe he won't make this mistake again." and let me fall. I can't do that, I've got a wife and child to support. When does trying to make sure they have food, clothing, and shelter become stifling to what God may have in store for us? Am I trying to do too much? There are so many things I wish I could do with my life; did I miss my chance? If opportunity knocks once, why am I looking for him 10 years later? Sometimes I feel like the pull on my heart to follow my dreams is God trying to tell me something. Sometimes I feel like it's just a dream that couldn't come true if I tried; why quit a job that pays the bills and live on a prayer? Am I going to be one of those people who always says, "I could have been..."? Have I wasted whatever potential I once possessed? Or that possessed me? It's funny; every opportunity seems just barely out of my reach. Is that the true sign of a failure?

Another funny thought that you won't laugh at: I think enthusiasm is my greatest strength and liability at the same time. No one can be more enthusiastic about some things, which means no one can turn people off about those things quicker than I. You do know that you can't make people be enthusiastic, you can only hope they catch the fever. Goodness, I can whine for a long time.